Hi! Welcome back to my kitchen. At some point in our healing journey, We will all encounter objections and obstacles from the people closest to us. We will need to overcome obstacles to our healing journey from those closest to us. People in our lives will notice the changes you make and say something about it. While this is not always bad, it often is. The encounters contain so much potential to hurt, trigger, and re-injure us that we need to be prepared for them and to overcome the obstacles they present.
The reality
This is a hard thing, and I do not take it lightly. I encountered my Dad tons of times in my healing journey because I started to heal in high school, and then Dad forced me to live at home during college. I often came home after a wonderful time of worship, prayer, and healing only to encounter my Dad who cut me down for being home late or being too busy. Note that God does not worry about who is around you and will pursue you no matter what. My healing threatened Dad. On one occasion, my parents came to a worship night hosted by the Christian campus groups. Dad saw me lifting my hands in worship and later just had to make a comment about it.
Living in a family is challenging. We did not choose our family, yet life requires us to put up with them until we gain the skills to move out and handle things on our own. Sometimes, we do not choose the people around us (like coworkers and classmates), yet their difficult behavior presents difficulty to our healing process. How do we handle these encounters? Can we avoid them? Let’s explore this topic and find ways to prepare, manage, and even escape from these harmful encounters. Let’s overcome obstacles presented by those closest to us.
Mental preparation to overcome obstacles
Let’s look ahead to what could happen. Say a holiday or special occasion looms on the horizon. You know you need to attend or go home. You will encounter that triggering person. They know you well (sometimes they don’t), but they also knows how to make you feel down right horrible and worthless (insert your own adjectives here). That awful feeling comes and sinks into your being – reminding you of the hurt and pain they caused. Or, it could be a person who, when they see you letting your hair down and wearing your favorite outfit, is bound to tear you down because they do not possess their own internal freedom. You can shut down, or you can make a plan to overcome the obstacle.
Determine your options
Determine the steps you need to take. Then, execute them. You have lots of options. First off, remember your core values and what you need to do to protect yourself so you do not fall in the pit created for you by others, and so you keep moving forward. Honestly, one of your first options is to not attend the event. I understand the committee in your head will start to scream and rage. However, it needs to be calmed down because most of those voices in your head are not yours. I understand that the committee of friends and family, even if it is one person, will also likely scream and rage. However, they too need to be quiet and respect you.
Another option is to attend the event, and to prepare strategies for managing or avoiding encounters with the hurtful person. Prepare phrases or lines of argument to stop the person in their tracks. Some people are not going to change, and those people need to be silenced. Often they are bullies who will not shut up unless you fight back. I really mean that. The bully does not understand boundaries, and it is alright to make them understand yours. Be willing to accept the consequences of setting boundaries including the possibility that they will disown you. In my case, when I was a kid, I could not do that. But when I was older and in college, I could have moved out but it would have cost me my relationship with my dad.
More Tips
I understand I am explaining a lot of things and thinking through the possibilities while also sharing my experience. So, I will get really practical here. Option A: Do not attend the event. You can stay where you are, say you have to work, or come up with a reason that you are not coming. Stick by it. Whatever you decide to do, stick by your decision. Oftentimes, the person creating the obstacle needs to go through an entire experienced where they cannot control you. This is painful for them but is worth it for you. It is worth your while to put them through this pain of separation. They wronged you, and they need to face the consequences. They do not have a right to trample on you ever again.
Ok. Option B: Attend with strategies to handle your circumstances and overcome the obstacles. Narrow down your strategy. Will others require you to stand next to your abuser for the family photo? Offer to take the photo instead. Plan a lunch date or otherwise be out of the house when the family photo time comes. Is the offender the cook? Stay out of the kitchen. Watch the other kids or the football game in the other room. You have a lot of options here. Be creative. If possible, make it a helpful, friendly, or fun option. What if you need to talk with the person that makes you cringe? Choose topics you can both agree about – weather, bad fashion, cars, etc. Direct the conversation so it stays away from personal topics. Remember that most people are not emotionally intelligent enough to know how to change. They might be emotionally intelligent enough to manipulate you, but not to change.
Final Pep Talk to Overcome Obstacles
Always remember that you are in control of yourself. You might not feel that way. Yet, you have the options to take action until you feel in control of yourself. Take action even if the feelings are not there. Say things like “I appreciate your concern, but I am not ready to talk about that yet.” “If you insist on talking about this, I will leave the room.” “I am my own person now.” The other person is already inflammatory, so sometimes a provocative response is required. Other times, it is best to diffuse the situation and end the discussion. You know your situation and you know what needs to be said.
Lastly, I know you can do it. Pray and ask God for his protection and help regardless of whether you are a religious person or not.
- Leisel
