Hi there! Welcome back. Today’s post is where Leisel gets real about toxic relationships. This week I finally got rid of my last remaining toxic relationship. I should have seen it as that, but I couldn’t. I also wasn’t allowed to leave. The abuse would happen but then I’d be convinced to stay in the relationship. I was blind because I was not secure in Christ with a firm foundation to leave. In today’s chat, I hope you will hear me out as I tell you what happened. I hope that my story will help you navigate and leave toxic relationships in the present.
The relationship
The relationship was with an older coworker who has low self-esteem. I think he basically manipulated me into staying cause he would say things like “I want you to be my friend.” He really did provide much needed friendship, but, he did other things such as he bated me into feeling sorry for him by telling me he was “lonely” and that he sat at home all by himself. He used me to make himself feel better. Although there was mutual give and take, eventually, I could tell he didn’t want to hang out despite saying he liked being my friend.
I knew this guy for about 10 years. He said and did what he needed to get what he wanted out of me. I actually went back to being friends with him after a break. At the time I didn’t know better because I figured he was actually friendly but I just resisted his kindness. While that assessment was fairly accurate, some things changed in the last year. He became more possessive. I think he was jealous that I made other friends.
True friends do not change in character. Toxic friends do. Toxic friends do not allow you to be your true self. They cannot appreciate when you have other friends. Likewise, when you make other friends, we need to be aware of the dynamics it creates with other friends.
How I changed and left the toxic relationship
A few weeks ago I started to really value myself, accept Christ’s love for me, and walk into a personal comfort zone. I took many baby steps for years prior to this. I started worshipping God through music within the last month. Although I put myself down habitually and blame myself for everything, my counselor stopped me from doing so. She constantly reminds me of everyone else’s personal responsibility. I am not responsible for taking care of everyone. I do not need to put myself down – even when I am standing up for myself and others are unhappy with me.
This week, I openly shared a struggle with this friend, and it turned ugly quickly. I received a mighty tongue lashing with accusations and insults. Toxic people do not control themselves. They are emotional animals ready to pounce when triggered. Healthy friends do not do that. They are self controlled and able to convey themselves in a loving manner even when they disagree. This was not the first encounter like this, and honestly, this behavior ended the relationship. I saw no point in interacting with this individual ever again.
Fall out of the toxic relationship
I’m still hurting. The phrase in my head is “I wish this pain would go away.” But at the same time, within the last 24 hours and about 72 hours away from that incident, I feel incredible joy. I am so glad to not have that relationship anymore. Relief, freedom, joy, and love flood my soul. Because of all the abuse I experienced, I am waiting for the joyful cloud to dissipate. But, I think it will stay.
God’s presence
If you’re a Christian, God is the Wonderful Counselor, an ever present help in trouble. If you don’t have a dad, whatever that looks like, God is a father to the fatherless. Lately, I’ve noticed God taking a very intentional and assertive role in my life. Ever since my dad died five years ago, God continually showed up in my life in stronger and more pronounced ways. I think that God was tired of this bad relationship and ended it for me. Sometimes I imagined that two angels came and stole me away. Whether true or not, I like the image. My point is that God watches over us and saves us from every trouble. See Psalm 34.
Releasing toxic relationships
Alright, the reason I shared all that with you is because I know that you might find yourself in similar situations. You are working to get free too. Sometimes it helps to hear what others are going through and what they did about it. So, how do you know whether the relationship is healthy? Ask questions like “Is this person ok with me being myself?”, “Can they handle my freedom and progress?”, “Do I feel energized when I leave them?”. Consider whether they are an energy giver, taker, or waster. Are they selfishly motivated? Other suggestions include reading the book “Safe People” by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.
Practical steps
If you are ready to leave the relationship, cut the person off. Make it impossible for them to talk to you. They possess no rights to rattle your soul and pull you down. This is difficult because of the objections we face from ourselves, the toxic person, and the people surrounding us. But, the longer you stay, the worse you will be because the damage will continue until you stop it. Objections of others are meant to keep you in prison, but don’t give in! And I mean any objections including so called “Christian” ones like loving your neighbor or being “nice.” You know what? That toxic person is not being nice. So, why should you be nice and let them ruin your soul? Sometimes, people, Christians included, have no idea what they are talking about…but I digress.
Alright. Bottom line. If you are in a toxic relationship, get out. Do it peacefully. Just leave the relationship. You need space to heal, to move forward, and to find spacious and joyous land in your soul. If you’d like to talk through it, send me a note.
– Leisel
