Hi All! Welcome back to my kitchen. Have a seat. Let’s chat. 🙂 Today’s topic might seem like a no brainer. But when you have been hurt, it is a big deal. You need healing and you need to talk about it, but who do you trust? I might add about ten more question marks to that question. Who do you reach out to? And even if you find someone, is it worth the risk? The fear of sharing, the fear of not being understood when you are reaching out, the fear of never being understood, it is all real. All real and totally valid. And one more fact, you are not alone in this.
All of us came to a point where we needed to open up about what happened to us. In our journey, we might need more than one person. We need a safe space to open up, be heard, and accepted….the entirety of us. So let’s be honest, finding these trustworthy people can be difficult. Not everyone understands, empathizes, or cares if we open up and share that we were raped or that our roommate is emotionally abusive. Despite these people, others do care. Others want to care, talk, and render healing.
The fear is real
If you ran into someone who was not open, my guess is that you are really not interested in opening up again. The fear is more real and more intense. So, I need to help you overcome your fear and find the right person. I need to help you find the right person before reaching outside yourself. Pain blocks us from getting help. One painful experience can shut us down. You do not want to get hurt again which is completely normal. However, fear keeps you from healing and finding that person that really can help.
What to do about it?
Take the risk and find someone else. Find a counselor, another friend, or an adult you can trust. A trustworthy person is able to keep confidence. If they do not know the answer, they help you look for one. One of the number one qualities is that they listen. They open their ears, they shut their mouth, and they only open it to reflect back to you what they heard you say and to support you. They do not necessarily approve of every solution you have, but they validate your experience and encourage you to do what is best for you. Your story does not make them uncomfortable nor do they tell you to “just get over it.” That is one of the worst things to say to an abuse victim. But I digress.
See a counselor
Honestly, my number one recommendation is to go see a counselor trained in the type of abuse you need to work through. In my experience, counselors were the only ones that really understood me. Reaching out to a counselor was one of the best things I did. They had the training in mental health issues to know what I was saying and why I was saying it. They had advanced training and tools to get in the trench and do the work with me. One counselor used a seemingly basic technique of tapping the shoulders to help me draw out the subconscious affects of sexual abuse. Another counselor used guided journal prompts to help me identify negative beliefs I still held. The same counselor also had a master of divinity and counseled me from the Bible. He opened my eyes to what the Bible really said about things. He was a gift.
The idea of trying a counselor might be scary. As with any profession, counselors come with their own stereotypes and societal opinions. However, they are the ones trained to heal. There is nothing wrong with going to one. Like building any type of relationship, you get to know each other during the first couple visits. But then, they really understand you and healing happens.
Try a friend
Friends provide care between counseling sessions. Friends also are more available when reaching out for help. They are the ones that see all your friends and maybe your family. They stick with you. Some of you have friends you can reach out to, but some of you might be looking for one. The loyal and trust worthy friends show up for you and are consistent in their friendships. They know how to say sorry if they wrong you, and don’t leave you. If you want more advice on finding friends or being a safe friend for others, read Safe People by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. After my last run in with an unsafe person, I started reading it. It comforted me.
Not all friends are the same. Some do not mind listening, but some do. You will know the difference and whether reaching out is a good idea. The ones willing to listen do not need small talk. Sometimes, I personally talked to different people about different issues. I capitalized on the strengths of my friends and did not make one of them bear all of my burdens. This gave me a larger circle of friends to rely on when one was not available. I did not always have a large circle, however. So, that is the idea behind my next recommendation.
Read a Book
In my healing journey, I read a lot of books. Books gave me time and space to process and understand myself in the privacy of my own home and mind. Books like The Body Keeps Score and Highly Sensitive People helped me understand the affects of abuse on me physically. The Undervalued Self helped me put words to my issues and how to not only value myself but how to measure it in tangible ways. I also read the Bible. It has many verses about God healing the broken hearted, Jesus healing people, and God’s opinion about abusive people.
Pray
Finally, reach out to God. Despite the actions of people claiming his name, God is the wonderful Counselor. (Isaiah 9:6) God is not only accepting, but he listens. He is heals the broken hearted, and he is ready to heal you. (Psalm 147:3) If you read my testimony here, you know that I had plenty of reasons to turn away from God. However, I do not believe that I would be healed if I did not turn to God and believe in Him. I am thankful that despite people, God is who he says he is. And, he will help us heal.
Final thoughts about reaching out
I hope these ideas spoke to you. Healing is difficult yet worthy work. We all need support as we move forward in our healing journey. Books are available and cheap. A friend is a companion in healing, and counselors bring a wealth of knowledge and skill to our lives. God is there ready to heal you. Whatever your fears are, be honest about them with yourself so that they do not hold power over you and your emotions – so that they do not keep you from getting the healing you need.
-Leisel
